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By LEAH MCFALL
When principal dancer Jane Turner performs her last step with the Royal New Zealand Ballet this coming September, she knows there will be blood on the dance floor.
Her final role is in the ballet adaptation of Puccini's famous opera Madame Butterfly.
Turner had been cast to play doomed geisha Cio-Cio San, who, abandoned by her lover Pinkerton, dishonoured and alone, chooses death instead of a lifetime of shame and rejection.
But casting changes over the weekend mean Turner will now be dancing the roles of a bridesmaid and geisha.
The Royal New Zealand Ballet announced today (Monday) that Turner's partner Craig Lord had seriously injured his shoulder, preventing him taking the stage as Pinkerton.
With only days of rehearsals to go, Turner had decided against starting again with a new partner.
Understudies Geordan Wilcox and Yu Takayama would step into the roles, alternating with opening night cast Douglas McCubbin and Amy Fote.
During a rehearsal break in Wellington last week Turner told NZPA it had taken her two years of serious thought to finally decide to resign.
After 10 years with the company she dreamed of joining as a child, Invercargill-born Turner leaves behind her a respected catalogue of roles and a New Zealand ballet culture in good health.
Aged only 30, she's been a committed, full-time dancer since she was 16.
"It's not that I feel I've reached my peak or anything, it's more that I feel like I've had a really good run with the company. I've had big highs and lows. I've had a lot of battles, but basically I've had a fantastic time, and I think it's the right time to move on and find something else."
Turner loved her ballet lessons as a little girl in Wellington, taking her exams and competing before auditioning by videotape for the reputable Australian Glen Street Academy.
She left New Zealand for Sydney aged only 16 to pursue her goal of becoming a professional dancer.
After two years of training she auditioned for the RNZB, only to be told she was still too young. Turner then perfected her technique at the New Zealand School of Dance, winning a scholarship and joining the RNZB in 1994.
Just two years later she was named the Young Dancer of the Year, and performed her first lead role in the classical ballet, Sleeping Beauty.
Her early career in the corps de ballet lacked glamour, she admits.
"Often it's a shock when you come here in your first year and it's a lot of sitting around, and understudying, and corps. But it didn't matter to me, because I was just so excited to have a job and be paid for something I loved doing."
Turner tackled a range of roles, from the fine classical dancing of Swan Lake's Odette to Cinderella, Tinkerbell and most recently the female lead in Romeo and Juliet, which she performed to rave reviews in England earlier this year.
But her transition from corps member to principal dancer has been fraught with tension, as Turner did battle with crippling nerves.
"I don't think I'm naturally meant to be a performer. I've had real struggles to get myself out there on stage. You feel like you take a major step forward and you get another season and feel like you're back at the beginning again."
It's startling to know that Turner, an acclaimed classical dancer respected by younger members of the company for her talent and skill, has experienced savage attacks of self-doubt.
Her nerves begin in rehearsal, she says.
"I start to get the jitters and I can't sleep. I have a tendency to feel really overwhelmed about what's ahead and whether I can pull it off or not. A lot of self-doubt. You think it would go away by now, but no!"
Since preparing for her first lead role as Aurora in 1996, Turner has had terrible moments of dread.
"There's been times where I've seriously gone, 'if only I could get an injury right now! If only I could fall down these stairs! Maybe I should padlock myself to this barre!"'
She was so nervous, Turner doubted she had a professional future at all. But with gritty determination, she decided to overcome her fears and booked a session with a sports psychologist.
"The difference was huge." He taught her to mentally break down her performance into sections and tackle them one at a time. Instead of fixating on the steps she had fluffed before, she learned to distract her negative thoughts.
The moment she relaxes on stage, knowing she's well rehearsed, that the performance has begun well, is "beautiful" for Turner.
She dances most freely in roles she responds to emotionally -- the passion of a Juliet or a Butterfly, she says.
For the shy dancer who has found the limelight, at times, too bright, her journey has been exhausting but fulfilling.
"It's been great for me as a character to confront those battles, as much as I've hated being there. I feel I've gained a lot from breaking through those barriers and pushing myself past that.
"I don't know why I keep putting myself back there. Maybe that's also a reason why I feel it's the right time to retire. It's just been really hard."
Hanging up her six pairs of pointe shoes is an "exciting" prospect for Turner.
She plans to relax with yoga, spend more time with her dancer boyfriend and her family and think about a whole new career, which she firmly believes will not involve dancing.
Her feet -- size six and toughened by years of punishment -- will thank her, she laughs.
"They'll probably grow to size eight and a half when I retire! Probably the first thing I'll do is treat my feet. After 10 years, they're not pretty."
She'll miss her friends from the Wellington-based company, which she says is a vibrant and diverse place to work. Audience numbers have swelled and their repertoire has broadened, giving them a whole new appeal to a younger audience.
"It's definitely sad, but I really feel like it's totally the right time (to retire."
"I really feel I wouldn't change anything. I've loved being here -- this is a great company and I've made so many friends.
"There's a lot of things I won't forget."
*The Tower Season of Madame Butterfly, an Australian Ballet production performed by the Royal New Zealand Ballet, is touring nationally in Wellington, Napier, Auckland, Christchurch, Dunedin, and Palmerston North between July 23 and September 4. For further information online visit www.nzballet.org.nz
or freephone 0800 4 DANCE (0800 432 623).
- NZPA
